Be A Better Ally This Pride (And Every Other Month)

Instagram posts adorned with rainbows, LGBTQI people celebrating their strength, memes galore… It’s June – and that means Pride Month in many countries. Over five decades later, we remember the significance of the Stonewall Riots: how they moved our liberatory struggle forward; how they showed that we would no longer be silent in the face of brutal oppression. While Pride is a celebration, it remains most centrally and crucially a protest.

For many non-LGBTQI people, and for organisations alike, there is a sense that it is important to support LGBTQI people during Pride Month: to come out and display much-needed allyship. However, even the most well-meaning allies sometimes get it wrong.

Use this short guide to help you avoid some of the common pitfalls that beset even the best allies.

Don’t split the LGBTQI world into ‘good types’ and ‘bad types’ (or better types and worse types).

This is a deceptively easy trap to fall into. It goes something like this:

“I love that you’re a more masculine gay guy. You’re not a prancing queen and I love that about you.”

Or this:

“You can’t even tell that you’re lesbian. It’s just a small part of who you are and it really doesn’t bother me at all!”

Judging a queer individual’s worth by how well they ‘pass’ as straight or cisgender is an indication of heterosexism. If you’re only an ally to those who are not obviously queer, then you need to consider that you’re not actually an ally at all. On the surface, these statements may sound reassuring, but they are really insinuating that there are good gays and bad gays, and that you prefer associations with those who do not elicit any discomfort.

While we all have differing feelings regarding how much our gender identity and sexuality impact our overall personality, there are many LGBTQ people who proudly cherish their differences and do not seek validation through assimilation.

Don’t reduce us to a set of stereotypical characteristics (even if they happen to be positive ones).

“It’s so great having a queer friend like you: I can ask for style advice, décor advice and so much more!”

Reducing a queer individual to a set of characteristics implies that they are not a whole, complex person, but instead just someone you want in your life as your own personal Queer Eye cast member. While there are definite benefits to having LGBTQI people in your life, these are more far-reaching than learning the difference between mauve and magenta. The LGBTQI world is diverse and wide-ranging and so are our interests: not all of us possess the stereotypical qualities that you think queer is comprised of.

Remember that you are a guest in our spaces (act accordingly).

Queer spaces have traditionally been welcoming to those who are allies or those who find comfort and entertainment in venues dedicated to our communities. It is often a good entrée into the LGBTQI world to go to a gay bar or a drag show. However, it is important to remember that you are a guest and that you should behave like one.

Additionally, there are some things that we tend to find annoying…

Straight male to gay friend: “Wow, it’s so cool coming to a gay club. There are loads of guys hitting on me.”

There probably aren’t. And even if there are, this is the type of comment that usually elicits an eye roll.

While we usually love attention, we do not necessarily appreciate being gawked at in our own spaces. The trend of bachelorette parties taking place in LGBTQI spaces can also be disconcerting when our boundaries are not respected.

It is equally important to welcome us into your spaces. There are many straight cisgender spaces that continue to practice passive (or active) homophobia and transphobia by being intolerant towards LGBTQI individuals.

Language matters (strive to be inoffensive).

Words can inflict great damage. There are many words that we have a painful history with. While most allies are sensitive to this, there are times when queer individuals are subtly othered by the language used in an encounter. This may be unintentional, such as with the incorrect use pronoun use. However, it may also be used as a mechanism to draw attention to a queer person’s difference.

Paying attention to this is important. As with any potentially offensive language, the speaker, time and place all matter. It’s never a good idea to criticise a queer person for being ‘too sensitive’ regarding language used. Instead, find out how you can do better next time.

Don’t pinkwash (show support all-year round).

Pinkwashing refers to a company, government, or organisation vocally and visibly promoting support for LGBTQI rights (often using rainbows and Pride visuals) – to appear progressive or inclusive – all the while distracting from potentially neglectful or harmful practices they may be involved in. In many cases, their support is firmly limited to June and is non-existent for the rest of the year.

We get that you think it makes business sense to do this. Many of us also like seeing our communities represented in an affirming manner in the broader cultural discourse. But if your Pride promotions are solely based on profitability, and not rooted in queer liberation overall, we will quickly detect the superficiality of these performative acts. Pride should be part of your broader commitment to creating belonging in your organisation and beyond. This takes deep and committed work.

If you are running Pride-specific campaigns, consult with LGBTQI community members both within and outside your organisation. Ensure that you pay attention to how community members want to be represented, what makes them feel affirmed and celebrated, and what cringey pitfalls to avoid. While no sample of queer people will ever represent the full diversity of all queer people, this is a meaningful starting place.

You are not doing us a favour (even though we really appreciate your support).

This may sound contradictory, but there is sometimes a fine line between support and a saviour complex. While we value our allies and are grateful for their acceptance and support, there are some allies who believe that they are magnanimous benefactors who are doing a great service to LGBTQI communities. This thinking can be dangerous – it implies that we are only valid because you allow us to be.

Simply not being a homophobe does not mean you are doing us any favours; we don’t owe you anything. The fact that cisgender, heterosexual people make up the majority of the world’s population should not mean that the world belongs to you and that we are merely granted access to it. While this thinking can be subtle, it informs many policy and lawmaking decisions.

As a gay man, I find that allies certainly restore some of my hope that the world is not filled with homophobic bigots. We need allies to help us deal with the negativity that is frequently directed our way. LGBTQI liberation has come a long way, but it is always in a precarious position; our allies help to tip the balance in our favour. They provide reassurance that there are those out there who are able to empathise with a cause that is not their own or to befriend those who are different to them.

Following these steps will ensure that you become a better ally to LGBTQI people everywhere.

EquiDiverse Synergy offers specialised consulting aimed at making your organisation a leader when it comes to LGBTQI allyship and belonging. View our service offering for more information.